i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
