the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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