well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize