Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
