meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
