i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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