dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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