I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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