please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
