Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
