I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
