Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
