I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
