His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
