Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
