u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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