A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
