ya dads aren't the best wingmen
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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