I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
