wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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