my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
