That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
