Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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