Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
