Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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