You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
