Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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