I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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