It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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