I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
