Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
