He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
