My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
