um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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