So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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