If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
