I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
