i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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