I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
