id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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