# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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