Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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