So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
