I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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