New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
