you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
