Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
