Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
