dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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