guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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