I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
