I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
