hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Alive.
So much puke
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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