I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
tell me about the eggs
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
