You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
