Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
