you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
