So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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