Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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