and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
